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 Hardest part is also the most rewarding part 
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Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2016 5:21 pm
Posts: 147
State/Province/Country: NC, USA
The hardest part of my sobriety is sitting with my problems and facing them. The most rewarding part of my recovery is sitting with my problems and facing them.

One recurring problem of mine is isolation and loneliness and the sense of inadequacy these can bring up for me.

This past Friday, I felt all of these things hard. My impulse was to go home and watch a movie or find something to do on the internet, but I could see those for what they were. Underlying those urges was this little thought, "Video games. When you were gaming you didn't have to worry about this stuff, Morgan. How nice that would feel..."

And nice it would feel! For a few hours. I remember how it went. A few hours of a high, where all the reward systems in my brain would be lit up, I would be excited almost to the point of being manic, and I would be sedate. No emotional anxiety or worries of any kind.

But I would also still have all my problems waiting for me when I went to bed and when I woke up in the morning. There was no solution, no hope of life getting better. Just the power to bliss out for a few hours.

Friday night I tried something not entirely new to me, but took it to a deeper level than I ever have before. Instead of going home where I might distract myself in some way, I sat in the coffee shop I spend most of my time in, alone but actually sitting in my emotions, my discomfort. I've found that when I sit quietly, meditate in a way, I feel more of the discomfort, but there is a kind of clarity that also comes into my mind, and it allows me to see more of what my actual problems are. What bothers me about my life right now? Why am I this way? If I am rigorously honest (I can be that in these moments), what do I need to do better my life?

And here is the cool part: I get to see parts of myself that need work and I get to move through the discomfort into a place of acceptance and quiet hope. Acceptance of myself as I am, where I am and hope that I can actually change- with patience, time, and maybe a little faith in and help from God, but I can change and my problems do not have keep being my reason to game or suffer.

Thu Mar 02, 2017 3:38 pm

Joined: Sat May 17, 2014 4:04 pm
Posts: 324
Location: Detroit, MI
I very much relate to this. Dealing with the reality of my problems can be incredibly difficult, but whenever I'm successful at doing so, I come away feeling much better...if not being outright transformed in some way that I hadn't known I needed transformation.

I also relate to feeling isolated and alone, as those have been two mainstays of my experience of life for a very long time. There's been some changing in that department recently, and we'll see where it winds up going, but my addict is always happy to suggest a solution to the problem of loneliness. It would feel good...for a little bit. Then it would stop feeling good and all I'd be aware of is how much I want "more". It's all downhill after that, and I'd much rather not go that way.

For a couple years, I had a job in which my attention was only required for brief moments every few minutes throughout the day. It was amazing how much room that gave me to do things like pray, meditate, and feel, and I know for a fact that my recovery benefited from the many opportunities I had to be quiet on the inside like that (I wore earplugs the whole time because the machine I was running really was that loud).

Fri Mar 10, 2017 10:22 pm

Joined: Fri May 20, 2016 3:35 am
Posts: 5
State/Province/Country: Sweden
Thanks for sharing Morgan, I can also relate to this

Sitting with my feelings is something i struggle with, especially in the mornings, for some reason i always seem to get stressed during this time.

My solution to this is not gaming anymore. Nowadays my solution is praying, meditation, calling my sponsor and go to meetings

Tue Mar 14, 2017 3:43 am
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